These excerpts from Dr. de Calais's personal journals date to shortly after his first interactions with the subjects. ---------- Upon joining a coterie - I'm barely into my first week of vampirism, and I've made a few friends, although they are not the sort of people I would normally associate with. We are all in more or less of the same boat, although they were all members of a military strike team prior to my creation. I feel very much like an outsider. Not only am I not used to dealing with vampires, I'm not used to trying to be in a clique. I try to fit in, but it's so hard. I never was very good at hanging out with the cool crowd. In fact, I have sort of wondered why they include me in their dealings. After all, they barely know me, we have shared very few experiences, and we have very different goals in life. The only thing I can think of is that by including me, they think that Julia will look favorably on them. Of course, since everyone wants to be on Julia's good side, making friends might be easier than I thought. Still, I'd rather be valued for who I am. I sort have the feeling that we are all hanging out because we don't have anyone else. If Ari weren't so ostracized by his clan, he would probably be hanging out with like-minded folks at the chantry. Ethan would certainly be not hanging out with us, since none of us are hip or trendy. I'm not really sure about Parker and Nathanial, both of whom are enigmas. I find Parker especially intriguing. Perhaps these will be the kind of friendships the people always form when thrust into a new situation. When I first went to med school, the friends I had during orientation were certainly not the friends I confided and trusted in during my junior year. Ah, well, we shall see. Regarding Bellevue - No one at work has suspected the drastic change my life has undergone. This is good, as I believe that anything else would endanger my life. I'm still working the night shift, and I'm still well respected among by peers. Despite the romance attributed to vampirism by our culture, I find it to be dreadfully overrated. I only have twelve hours a day with which to work now, rather than my customary eighteen, and I'm forced to pilfer blood from the hospital instead of cooking for myself. My physical strength has increased singnificantly, I'm now as strong as a well trained athlete, but that really has little effect on someone's day to day life. I have found a limited ability to dazzle people with charm and confidence, which I would have loved a few years back, but I've grown gradually less and less social as I've become more obsessed with my work. The only true perk is that in moments of extreme need, I can move about twice as fast as a normal person, which is a tremendous benefit during surgery, when a few seconds can save a life. It's a shame that the fabled ability to turn into a bat has turned out to be a myth. That would be fun. All in all, I curse the misfortune that put me here and yearn for the life I used to live. Regarding Dave - Over the last year or so, I've been growing less and less close to Dave, a fact which kills me. We are both completely absorbed in our work, and while I love what I do, I miss the days when we would cruise the town together until the wee hours of the morning. Because of this distance between us, it hasn't been difficult to conceal my nature from him, and he hasn't commented on the fact that I sleep so much more now. Maybe he hasn't noticed. Of all people, I feel like I should be able to talk to him about my new life. I would talk to my mother, but while I love her very much, I doubt she would be able to keep it to herself. I would not involve young Nathalie in this at such a tender age, and I'm not sure that Michel wouldn't turn me over to the authorities. I certainly love and trust Dave more than any of my vampiric friends, but I dare not discuss such things with him. My life has changed dramatically, everything from the company I keep down to my basic worldview. If I were to tell him about vampires, I would pull him into a world from which he would never escape. The knowledge would change his life for ever. And this is my paradox - for love of him, I yearn to confide in him, yet for love of him, I dare not. Regarding Parker - Parker spent the night here last night. He is truly an interesting person. Unlike all the other members of our coterie, he is a normal guy. He is not rich and beautiful and famous like Ethan. He is not a kabbalist like Ari. He is not insane like Nathanial. He is just a guy who has been caught up in affairs bigger than he has imagined. I really enjoy his company, although I think he is often much more brutal than necessary. It is tempting to blame this on his military days, but Michel has suffered no such setback. Then again, Michel is an intelligence officer while Parker is a combat hardened infantry grunt. For all my success at living the life I want, I still can't help feeling huge amounts of inadequacy. All of my friends are special in some way (Parker while normal, is still very valuable in a war), and they were all chosen to fight in the war by sires who saw that specialness. I have so far managed to keep the embarassing situation of my embrace a secret, for if they ever learned why I'm a vampire, I would probably die of shame. On being a physician - Everytime I have inquired about practicing medecine as a vampire, I have been laughed at. This does nothing for my feelings of inadequacy. Vampires who see me treating mortals either tell me it's too dangerous to have a job or they tell me that humans are food and are not worth the effort. The first is a valid concern, the second just reminds of the alienness of the society which I have been forced into. If there were only a way to reverse the process... Still, because of the vampire's natural healing ability, it appears that no one has ever considered the need of a physician. Perhaps the reason that they don't exist amon vampires is not because they are not needed, but rather because they have never been tried. I'm sure I can be helpful. For example, if someone breaks an arm, and I set it, it requires much less blood to heal because their is much less physical displacement involved. When blood is scarce, such as on a battlefield, I could be a huge asset. While I am glad I was not embraced for the war, the fact that I wasn't demonstrates the shortsightedness of the vampires. I wonder if there are vampire diseases. Since a disease is an infection, not physical damage, I doubt wether it could be healed by blood. Physical symptoms could probably be healed, but I wonder if a disease can be completely cured by blood. I've been doing a great deal of postulating on things which might not even exist. Still, for the sake of mental health, I think I need to find a niche to fill. If I am no longer able to practice medicine, I think I might go crazy. I made a solemn oath to myself and by the memory of my father to spend my life helping others through my practice. Now, after eight years of college, I'm barely out a year before I become a vampire. How am I to fulfill this duty? And since "the rest of my life" now seems to include eternity, will I ever be free of it? These are stupid questions. My freedom lies within my oaths and my values, it is not compromised by them. I can't give those up, not for honor nor life itself. On the clinic - Construction has finally begun on the Paul de Calais Memorial Medical Center. I'm so excited, I haven't felt this alive in years. After so long of doing what I had to do, going where I was told, pushing blindly through school, I am finally exerting myself in a project of my own vision, a project which will bring help to those who are desperately in need. I know that they name is a bit trite, but I truly see this as carrying on his work, and I know he would be proud of me if he could see it. Aside from using my new abilities to help others, it is also an opportunity for me to gain some visibility in both worlds I reside in, the medical and vampiric. It is also an opportunity for me to exert my control over the grounds I have been given. As I expand my operation and gain influence in the local community, it is my hope to one day truly call this my domain, rather than merely my feeding grounds. I am truly fortunate. Transcribed and maintained Elizabeth Kent